need you like water in my lungs...an excerpt from the memoir that no one will read

1:54 AM

2.2.2018




I think I am prone to only finding unrequited love. My pattern is still fully intact and I don’t know if I’ll ever learn my lesson. I don’t know why I do this but I set myself up for the same outcome over and over.

This happened once after my divorce and I’m determined to be able to say it was the last time, even if I know that is probably not a remotely factual statement.

My optimism was shot and with one whisper of I love you it came back and I agreed to trust again. I made the promise to myself and another person and God knows I regret it every day. Or do I? Is it worth trying anymore after being emotionally crushed yet again? Especially after being told relentlessly that it would not happen because for the first time I was actually up front that I was beyond damage and shouldn’t even let another person look at me longingly let alone fall in love with me?

I should have kept my guard up. I should have gone with my gut and refrained from letting any feelings surface but like the stupid girl I am I sure as hell didn’t and I paid more than my entire mortgage in tears in the duration of the rise and fall of a relationship I thought may actually have a chance.

That’s rather funny seeing as how I think every relationship I enter will have a chance. I guess I really will always be a hopeless romantic.

Does being somewhat of an optimist in the realm of love mean that I will be constantly set up for failure until the right person does come along? Is that even possible, or am I somehow programmed to always seek out the damaged and the broken, being both of those definitions myself, because in a way that’s more self-fulfilling than actually having something that is a joint effort? Am I the filler? I was the filler for one for so many years, and then another after him. I don’t believe my marriage was regarded as such but inevitably I’ll find out that it is. And now here I am, with one more failed relationship under my belt where I was a placeholder for someone even more self-sabotaging than I am, and I didn’t think that was possible.

My name is Jordan and my headstone will read “the eternal doormat”.

I figure there has got to be a way to put a positive spin on a term so degrading. Yes, I am a known doormat and it’s gotten me in over my head more times than I can count, but does that have to have a negative connotation or can I say it proudly?

I let people, men mostly, walk all over me because I believe that the good in them will eventually surface and the playing field will be leveled. This has never happened once but I still hang onto the notion that it's possible. I think that is the only way I can live with myself and this label because I’d rather be someone that anticipates the better qualities of a person showing after being treated badly than the other way around.

I don’t know what is next but I assume the same scenario will play out a few more times and truthfully I know I’m going to let it. I’m going to challenge it to the best of my ability but I figure at some point, if I’m meant to be more than just someone that mends broken people, it will happen naturally. Maybe there is someone out there that is meant to repair me. Maybe I need to stay broken for a little bit.

I accept my fate and I don’t say that with any hint of sarcasm. I welcome the challenge and I won’t lose the shred of desire I have that someday I will have someone I deserve, I just have no clue what the fuck that means.

Tomorrow may be the best day of your life, you just never know. Thank you Rayce for that hint of wisdom because for now, I’m going to plan on that every time I shut my eyes.

Because that’s how I sleep at night.

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sup fool.

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