it is my birthday?

10:28 PM

12.19.2017



Every year I try and write a birthday essay and every year they kind of suck. It's late right now and I was trying to go to bed and then figured that maybe I should do this since in roughly 2 hours I'll be 32.

Funny thing is, I have been calling myself 32 for about a week, and before that, I was 30 "the do-over" so I never really was 31 even if I actually was. Does that make sense? It doesn't to me, either.

I'm 32. That's great. This year has been shit. That's not so great. What did I accomplish? I faced my anxiety, I toggled but finally actually possibly mostly did rid myself of the disease that is Red and I developed a crush, all in the span of the last month. What a way to fucking procrastinate, in true Jordan fashion, of course.

Oh and I wrote a book.

This year has brought a lot of challenges and the fact that I'm still standing and breathing sometimes feels like a miracle. I'm closer to people I never in the world thought I'd be close to, and I've drifted from people I thought for sure we're going to be with me for the rest of my life. Things change and somehow I managed to follow along and not off myself. I tried. I woke up on days I didn't want to. I gave in others and stayed in bed, but overall I'd say I did pretty great all things considered and I'm going to be proud of myself for the next 11 days until 2018.

My friend April said 2018 will be the year of Jordan. I have to laugh at that because I'm pretty sure she tells me that every year, but maybe this time it will come true? I loved hard this year and lost even harder. I trusted and that trust was super fucked with. And then, out of nowhere, shit fell into place and I started seeing things for what they truly are and I realized that I actually can have people treat me well. That's a funny thought, to have to realize that. It should be a given, but oftentimes it's not and I had to REALIZE that shit was fucked up and actually do something about it? And I did? And that's strange?

I'm tired a lot. I have been really lax in my writing lately because as I said, this last month has brought a lot of new feelings and emotions and whatnot and I HATE THIS TIME OF YEAR ANYWAY. I hate my birthday. It's not a pity thing, but I just rarely have good luck on my birthday. I'll watch the same episode of Sex and the City that I do every year (season 4, episode 1 ON REPEAT) and empathize even if I'm 32 and not 35. I won't end up at a coffee shop with my three best friends declaring them my soulmates and Big won't show up with red balloons. I will instead eat dinner with my brother and his crew as he so graciously offered to cook for me and I'm sure I'll engage with work people and other people that choose to reach out and say kind things and it will probably be a fine day, but nevertheless I'll be somewhat relieved that it's over.

I also think I may have a date Friday and that's a pretty awesome birthday gift. Not the date itself, though that's great, but the fact that I'm actually excited about it. Again, if you know me, you know that's a huge deal. Introverts unite! But more on that later, if it becomes a thing. I hope it does. I hope he never reads this.

I'm 32 and that's great. I really need to fall asleep and I really need to enjoy this holiday season even if I'm feeling lonely. Maybe I won't be lonely much longer? Or maybe I'll get another dog.

Happy Birthday to me!

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