i have to go through hell before i get to heaven

8:14 PM

10.2.2017




It's been one of those days.

I spent a good portion of 2016 numb, and basically several years before that. I realized that isn't for me and now that it's not a defense mechanism I can use anymore I get to feel A LOT of feelings almost constantly. Some may say that's not for them and that's fair, but it is much better for me than the alternative.

I have to learn things the hard way. I have a lot of people that care about me in my life and they see me putting myself in positions where I am going to end up hurting over one thing or another. They wonder why I keep doing that to myself? I have to tell them it's the only way someone like me will learn and come out okay on the other side. I do want to point out it's not crack or anything, mostly I put myself in situations where it's painfully obvious I'm going to be hurt emotionally. The best example would be relationships, but there is a myriad of other things that fall into the same line of destruction when it comes to me. If anything, I'm like crack to devastation.  It loves to find me and take over my soul. I willingly go back into situations that make me emotionally wrecked and no one can get why I'd do that to myself time and time again.

I'll tell you why. It's because I know myself and I trust myself.

I've had too many "a-ha" moments where I've woken up, realized something is shitty, said "fuck that" and ended it. Bad jobs, bad friendships, bad relationships, bad choice of clothing. But I have to be the one to determine the fate of the detriment otherwise I'll always wonder if I had made the right choice.

The conundrum in all of this is that I have a really bad habit of trying to get people I care about that are hurting to wake up and realize the same things for themselves. I know well enough that my words aren't going to truly make a difference, only the person in the middle of the shitstorm will know for sure, but for some God-forsaken realize I still try to help. I like to fix broken people, and it should say that on my business card. I like a challenge and I will work hard for you. I get frustrated at times when I see people remaining deep into their stress coma and do sometimes wonder why they don't fight their way out but then I have to remember they have to figure it out for themselves or it'll never stick, just like I ask for the same courtesy.

Recently, I learned what a bitch unconditional love is. I know it's a good thing to be able to love without expectation but I think that is why I end up in the situations with people that I have. I'm not saying that everyone I love in any regard is loved unconditionally, but those that have been may not always deserve it. I just like to love hard.

I don't want to apologize for that. If I'm going to love something, why shouldn't I love it hard? Because I could get hurt? Then what is the fucking point? That's conditional and I can't do that. I'd rather feel every emotion available than be numb. I spent too long being numb. I'll never do that again.

I have to put myself in the throes of whatever is going on to be able to wake up every day. I have to be passionate and care about the people I shouldn't. This isn't a doormat thing anymore, this is about me knowing my limits. I can't change who I am. I can demand respect, yes. I can demand kindness, but I can't expect to be treated how I want to be treated, golden rule or not. If I choose to care about you I will. Until I don't anymore.

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