you broke my fucking heart - a manifesto

7:42 AM

9.8.2017



This is to no one in particular, or maybe it's to everyone.

I can’t look in any direction without seeing your face peering out from behind plexiglass
It’s almost poetic in the sense that something has always been in our way
In a single day, a decision was made to end a dream
A dream I had put all of my soul into
And it’s dead. It’s been killed. And I can’t say a fucking word
You follow me literally and figuratively around the corners of my daily routine
I can’t avoid it, the mere presence of you is unavoidable
It’s a constant, a constant I was used to and loved
No matter how dark and painful and soul-sucking it had become
I fight because it’s what I know how to do
I stretch myself to every possible limit for anyone that gives me the slightest attention
It’s a problem and I’m recognizing it
I can’t explain the urge I’m feeling every minute of every day to throw up every single memory
Or any sort of food particle that enters my body
I want to rid my entire existence of every pen you touched, every note you scribbled
And every song you sent me
I want to be able to walk a straight or crooked line without hiding from the possibility that you will be there
The stomach flip has changed from joyful to plaguing and it changed before I had a chance to react
This wasn’t my call, but when has anything been my call?
I realize my feelings were often taken for granted and my intentions were misconstrued
I set expectations that were unattainable for someone like you and I pushed
And pushed and pushed and I kept pushing
So no matter what you say, I blame myself
Because nothing else makes sense
I can’t imagine your demeanor would alter in such an extreme way in such a short amount of time
So it has to be on me
And whether that’s true or not
It gives me some form of comfort and makes it so I don’t hate your guts even if I really, truly should
I still fight, it’s in my blood and you’re in my bones
And you can’t change that no matter how replaceable I am
I am who you remembered and I will not change and I’m not sorry for feeling what I felt
And I know somewhere inside of me you feel it, too
Even if unlike me, you have the ability to shove every feeling and memory into the pit of your stomach
I can tell you for sure, mine wouldn’t last a minute down there
It’s instead written all over me for you to see when you look through that plexiglass and see the reality you were too fucking afraid to face

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sup fool.

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