what defines me...then and now

8:30 AM



*originally written 11.20.2012

Jordan: a definition

Outspoken.
Shy.
Oxymoron?
Writer.
Dreamer.
Lover.
Liver.
Music.
Yoga.
Bad tv.
Tab.
Doggys.
Kittys?
Bag lady.
Dirty hair.
Eyeliner.
Freckles.
Free-boobin' (because bras are lame).
Sucker.
Worker.
Tired.
Allowed.
Over-thinker.
Thinker.
Expressive.
Emotional.
Ridiculous.
Cloudy.
Indecisive.
Procrastinator.
Smeller.
Obtuse.
Change is good.
But change is bad.
Afraid.
Optimistic.
Ready.


It's funny reading this now, honestly.  I find I'm a lot of these same things, but I also find that there are aspects of them that have changed.  I still procrastinate and I still dream.  My hair is often dirty but I'm less of a hippie.  Ready?  What does that even mean?  I'm never ready no matter how often I claim that I am.  Change is bad, it's rarely good though when a choice is made for me that requires change I'll tell you it's good even if I'm blatantly lying.  I'm only outspoken if I'm comfortable but being afraid sort of negates that because I'm too worried about hurting others feelings.  That seems to be shifting lately but it's still a thing I struggle with.  I over think, and I don't feel I'm allowed to think most things.  Worker, when applicable.  Sucker, always.  Optimistic when I feel like it's going to benefit me, but mostly I'm pessimistic these days.  I don't do yoga as much anymore because I can't be zen but I still like the idea of being zen so maybe I'll pick yoga back up someday?

Liver.  I don't live.  I haven't lived in a good, long while and that's something I'm trying to get back.  Even if living doesn't necessarily mean living it up to the fullest extent, I definitely deserve to live more than I have in the past year or so.

So there's that.

Bras are still stupid and life is still cloudy.  I take the word obtuse as a compliment and I'll always be an oxymoron, with or without the question mark.



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