this week has been quiet because i've been in my head...it won't happen again until sooner than i probably expect

10:07 PM

9.28.2017



I've been distant but for good reason. A few things have transpired lately that are all seemingly starting to come together and make sense in this fucked up head of mine.

-Brand New released their goodbye album.
-The universe somehow got me to write a book without a lot of struggle (at first).
-Red was gone and then resurfaced.
-Two other people who made a huge impact on my life, D and the Unicorn, influenced me in different ways.
-I accepted some pretty harsh truths.
-I stood up for myself.

Let me back up.

If you really know me, you probably know that the last year and a half have been fucking brutal in terms of me making some mistakes and other shit getting thrown at me that I didn't deserve. That being said, I chose to wallow and let it get to me and cut myself off from essentially living my life. About two months ago I was forced to start facing the reality that the life I had come to plan on probably wasn't going to pan out the way I'd hoped and I went into an even deeper hole. I took a trip that came at the most convenient time only to have it actually be the most lonely week of my life.  Even if I was surrounded by people that care about me, it forced me to start to rebuild things on my own, without help. I then surprisingly got something back I was missing and this may turn out to be the worst possible thing but for the moment I'm choosing to proceed with caution and feel what I feel instead of telling myself I'm fine. That's a huge step for me.

To elaborate:

Brand New released an album that spoke to me in a way I didn't expect. Each time I listen I learn something new about myself. They said goodbye. "We are done, you guys do something now". Okay, maybe it's time for me to be the artist instead of relying on their music to inspire me. I have to do it alone.

Lyrically, this is exactly where I'm at.

I thought I was a creator / I’m here just hanging around / Got my messiah impression / I think I got it nailed down / I want to tell you we’re alright / Want to erase all your doubt / I got this thorn dug in deeply / Sometimes I can’t get it out / Because I don’t want to surrender / Or lose your face in the crowd / I finally found all my courage / It was buried under the house / I’m just a manic depressive / Toting around my own crown / I’ve got a positive message / Sometimes I can’t get it out

I have things to say. I want to say them and I want to tell the best story I can about what I'm feeling and what I've felt and I don't think I could have been awarded this opportunity if it wasn't in part for this album coming literally on the day after I didn't want to wake up anymore. It sounds insane but that is exactly what happened and maybe I should be embarrassed I felt that way, the truth is I did. I didn't want to exist anymore and I was done trying and I decided to face the day anyway, this album came out of nowhere and probably saved my fucking life.

So I wrote. I wrote about the last 10 years and every failure I'd had. I was happy but I knew it wasn't finished. Something about it didn't feel complete but I left it as it was and figured if changes needed to be made they would come. I wasn't in a rush.

I finally let Red go but not without a fight. I knew it needed to happen but didn't expect it in the way it came about. I wasn't given much of a choice and I was angry at the fact that I had to be hurt and Red was fine, or so I thought. It took me a bit to get that through my brain and after an explicitly long silence even if I had no intention of including Red in the book at all, I sat down and wrote the final chapter, because I wanted to close that down. I figured if I had to give it up, it needed to be the ending. And sure enough, as soon as I typed the final word I actually felt like it was complete. I didn't even realize that part was needed until I wrote it. The day after, the opportunity to say what I truly felt (which was angry if you want to go back a few weeks and relive that hell) came up and I took it. I didn't hold back and for the first time probably ever I said exactly what was on my mind. I said every hurtful, scathing thing to Red that was building up inside of me and I didn't care one single bit. And that opened the door back up apparently.  Is there a possibility to co-exist and not give up on each other but accept reality?  I don't fucking know.  Is that good or bad? I've yet to find out but it brought a new intimacy in the form of communication without any pressure or expectation and I now have a voice, on paper and in person and I don't think I could ever go back to being silent and protecting when it's not warranted. I have that choice now, even if I'm well aware this could flip at any minute.  I know that from past experience, unfortunately.

Leading up to this, a person from my past also came back into my life as someone I can now call a friend. I refer to him as D and he is someone that I have actually seen growth in. He is not the same person I once knew and I'm grateful for that. Another person who I refer to as the Unicorn has been an ongoing presence in my life, but when the possibility of this book came up I had to reach out to both him and D to let them know they're going to play a part. I was given their blessing and I pressed on, however, the Unicorn deserved more than just a courtesy call, I decided to let him read what I'd written. This was a good idea, even if for a brief second I regretted it. He gave me some of the best advice about how I should tell my story, and not because he wanted to paint himself in a better light, but because he thought I wasn't giving myself enough credit. That's something I didn't see in my writing until it was pointed out and I definitely want to tell the best story I possibly can. I want to create something relatable and positive from all the shit I've gone through over the years and the Unicorn gave me the encouragement I needed to do that.

It also was brought to my attention just how much my marriage has actually sheltered me. I wrote about that in a small dose and apparently it has a different feel from the rest of the book. I was too safe, too cautious. I worry about protecting something that was once sacred, but that's a big fat fucking lie. I'm scared of telling the truth about how I feel. I'm honestly not sure I can write how I want to because I'm too afraid of how it will be perceived. But you know what? I have to tell my truth. So I'm going to stop being afraid of that part of my life and dive in and deal with everything I've shut out regarding my marriage. Game on.

I'm now in a place where as messed up as I still feel inside, the idea of pretending I'm okay is being tabled. The thing is, I am okay overall, but I have some pretty confusing things going on inside of my head. Having all of my past relationships written down and reliving them over the past while I've come to accept that I have a certain process when it comes to closure and I'm not going to deny myself that. I have to feel what I feel with Red but accept reality at the same time. Am I playing with fire? Probably. Am I aware of what could happen? Of course. Am I okay if everything blows up in my face? I don't want it to, but it might. Is this going to cause me to stop living my life again? Fucking no way in hell, if anything it fuels me more. Am I expecting anything? No, I'm honestly not.

When I'm ready, I'm ready. When I'm done, I'm done. This is just how I work and I have to be honest about it.

I'm going to create the best thing that I can so that in 20 years when I look back at this shit time in my life I can say "wow, I'm so fucking glad that happened." Because the truth is, when I read these stories I remember how awful I felt as I was going through them, but in this moment, because of what I'm gaining from it, not only creatively but personally, I'm so glad they all happened and I wouldn't trade any of those hardships for anything.

I'm not okay, I promise. But I'm fine.

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