the b-side to the truth

10:24 AM

9.21.2017



Years (and years and years) ago I was involved with someone who will always be referred to as the Unicorn (he's okay with this, it's mutual). Anyone that knew me in my early twenties knew of this "relationship". He had a band, so there's the last clue. Whatever, I'm over protecting people.

His band was the basis of my existence for a few years, and not just because of him but because they were good. I loved their music and I loved the band as a whole and it was something I got to see from the start and grow to fruition. Sadly they're not together anymore but to me, their songs live on.

I had my favorite songs and then there were some that just didn't speak to me. I guess that's how it goes with a lot of bands. Even my favorite musicians have songs that I'm not too excited about, so I'm aware it happens.

There was one song in particular that everyone seemed to go apeshit over and I'd always found it to be eh. I mean, it's a great song, I enjoyed it and can sing every word, but it was one that I couldn't really relate to.

If you know anything about me, you know that is important to me. I like to be able to interpret music in my own way and relate it to something in my life. Some may find it odd that I couldn't with this one, simply because lyrically it said a lot in relation to my situation with the Unicorn.  They had many other songs that described us better, so this one I just didn't really think about. It wasn't until now, last week specifically, that it started to hit home, and not even involving the Unicorn. The lyrics reign true in a sense to what I'm dealing with now and they say things a lot better than I can. When it comes to being a writer, you write what you know. I have SUCH a hard time with that sometimes because of the whole "protection" factor. I don't want to say anything that could hurt anyone so I go on the vague side, but sometimes I have to get over myself and say what I feel (which I really got into recently, obviously, clearly).

That being said, this song sort of touches base on that.

I hate the way that my words come together at your expense / I wish that when I wrote I wouldn't have to be so honest / show some tact or show some class or maybe just some respect / I'll respect you if you respect me, what can you expect? / I'm just being honest

I still fight the urge to call, I know there's nothing to say / I still love you and I think about you every day / It's not easy for me though I know I act like it is / Feel the pain that hurts so bad I guess I gotta fake it / Just like I gotta say this

This song is the b-side to the truth / about how I really feel about you / and I know sometimes my words they burn like hell / but I still love you if you can't tell


I'm in that awkward phase of not knowing exactly how to act sometimes and I'm great at putting on a show for the most part but then I'll fall apart the second no one is looking. It's a hard burden to carry, being so strong in front of company and being a complete fucking mess the second I'm alone. I've dealt with it for years and it's my pattern with dealing with hard situations. It may not be the most classy way, but I feel it's the only way I can go through the motions and not lose my shit.

Just because I act strong doesn't mean I am. I also need to remember this in context to other people. Just because they're acting like everything is great doesn't mean they aren't breaking inside. I learned this recently. Don't believe everything you see.

It doesn't really help, even if it's a huge contradiction. I do it but I hate when others do it? Where is the logic in that? Maybe there isn't supposed to be and maybe that's why I choose to take things my own way, to make myself feel more at peace with the given situation.

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