science fiction part two: an in-depth personal essay about why brand new is my band and why this album is my life at this moment

9:03 AM

9.13.2017

*This is what this album means to me, personally. This is how I relate to it. All thoughts are my own.  I don't discuss anything of musicality or continuity, this is PERSONAL.

It seems that Brand New surfaces exactly when I need them too. I remember being in high school and discovering Your Favorite Weapon right as Deja Entendu was being released and becoming obsessive in dissecting the lyrics. A few years later came The Devil & God Are Raging Inside Me and I still think that's when they truly outdid themselves. I was sitting in my car when You Won't Know started playing and I openly sobbed and I still can't tell you why. Then there was Daisy which took me a lot longer to warm up to, but now I can say at least lyrically, it's fucking brilliant. Each album has its own mile marker for my youth and now eight years later where I dare to call myself an adult, Science Fiction had to be brought to my attention as if it were written specifically for me specifically at the moment I needed it. I can't convey my love for this band in words that will do them justice. I can't thank them enough for writing music that hits me hard, for educating me on the best way to cut someone down with subtle words, for understanding me better than I understand myself some days.

They're supposed to be finished as a band in 2018 and my mind still hasn't wrapped around that completely. I can't imagine a world where they're completely done, even if it's been so long between albums. I still held out hope that one day I'd get a surprise from them and I sure as shit did this year. It's almost poetic just how much that means in the context of my entire life. I hold out hope even when hope seems gone and then someone that means a great deal to me surfaces without knowing that I need them.


Lit Me Up
Basically, I take this as something that completely rocked my world. I've had some moments in the last few years where things have completely turned upside down and I'm left thrown off of everything I thought I knew. They lit me up.

It lit me up like a rag soaked in gasoline
In the neck of the bottle breaking right at my feet
It lit me up and I burned from the inside out
Yeah, I burned like a witch in a Puritan town
It lit me
It was a good dream


It's almost like I wasn't even aware of the fantasy world that had been consuming my brain for so long and here it was, it completely burned me (after smacking me in the face).

Can't Get It Out
My personal favorite on the album, also the most relatable. For me, this was yet another wake-up call as to how I thought I was doing all the right things (...got my Messiah impression, I think I got it nailed down) and I thought I was on the right track with saving someone that needed to be saved. When reality struck and I realized it was just my own sadness causing all of this for me, it made a hell of a lot more sense.

But, I guess that's just depression
No sense in fighting it now
You had me caught in your headlights
You were running me down

Because I don't want to surrender
Or lose your face in the crowd
I finally found all my courage
It was buried under the house

Not just a manic depressive
Toting around my own cloud
I've got a positive message
Sometimes I can't get it out


That tie needed to be cut, unfortunately. And even if I only have good things to offer that I truly feel benefit the situation, I have a really fucking hard time getting that point across when I'm being combatted.

Waste
I've read a lot of reviews that state that this album is Jesse Lacey's suicide note to the end of the band he created. I agree and that's why I think it can be interpreted to many different things ending for many different people. Things end, and it's shitty, but a proper goodbye is always polite, whatever that means to you.  Even if I don't want to accept things and have trouble doing so, I know how important closure is and that's the only way I can really get my mind out from under the idea that things may still work out.  I'm not one to leave on a high note, but maybe I should reconsider sometimes.

You and I were stuck in the waste
Talking about our salad days
What a damn lie

But you and I are stuck like glue
And that's the God damn truth
Baby, bye-bye


No matter how in depth I am and think things will work out if I just push forward, sometimes I find out I'm fucking wrong. Even if it's not up to me and I still think I'm on the right side. That's me, that's what I do. I can't change things and sometimes I have no control over what the future holds but I can certainly still keep my own intentions even if I'm not acting on them. That's what keeps me breathing.

Could Never Be Heaven
Probably my least favorite song on the album (there has to be one, right?) but even if that is the case there is something still about it that rings true. Holding on to something I'm sure is right, not being able to imagine any other future is pretty fucked in the logical sense, but sometimes I'm so blinded by feelings I literally cannot. fucking, see. any. other. way. Everything is about this other person or thing and it's the only possibility that matters.

And all of the songs were about you
And all of the songs were about you
And all of the songs were about you


Same Logic/Teeth
This one is more like it's been spoken to me. I've learned a lot about people recently and that it's rare that true colors actually surface until there is some giant explosion and the truth is forced to come out. It's really easy to hide behind what you think people want you to be. Even if you think you can open up and trust completely do you show people that side? I try to, but when I sit down and think about it, I truly don't to the extent I should. I like to hide some parts of myself, the ugly parts, and only being on the other end of that scenario did I realize how wrong that is.

Well this is the same logic that got us into trouble the first time
(When we discovered we could use)
The same logic to get us out of trouble
And shake off all the people we abuse

I don't need to know where you come from
If you don't know where you belong
So how's it feel to walk around, like you're some sort of freak
You're just a monster in a costume
Ashamed of what you used to be


137
This song just screams 1984 to me. All about how after some powerful manipulation you end up on the side you were fighting against for so long. That's really all that needs to be said, and it's the worst feeling in the world when you discover that you love Big Brother.  I don't get how things can change so rapidly unless there is an actual form of mind-fucking in there somewhere, but I guess it's not my call.  I am not wired that way, though I bet with the right kool-aid I'd go to the dark side, too.  And maybe that kool-aid is simply my own self-loathing.  Think about that for a minute.

Let's all go and meet our maker
They don't care whose side you're on
We're so afraid, I prayed and prayed
Before I learned to love the bomb


Out Of Mana
The end of this song is what truly hits home. When I finally realize I have no other choice but to bow out and reprioritize, but not without saying a few cutting words and writing a few deeply personal essays in the process. It may even come down to wanting to speak my mind to those who wronged me. I find that's my go to defense, but I know there is a way to do it respectfully, so it's all about figuring that out, but it's okay to admit I still feel worthless.

I have to go
I want to say I'm in love with you
And I'm more than the skin of my teeth
I digress
I am a mess, I'm in love with you
I will go without water or sleep
I'm a ghost
I can't say I know that I'm even here
Or is this some eternal test
Hold me close
I'll never know if it's more or less
No reset


In The Water
It is absolutely devastating when you were robbed of the chance to reach your true potential in something you believed in.  And so on and so forth.  Sometimes there is just nothing you could have done and that's a really difficult pill for me to swallow.  I can run my mouth until my vocal cords are raw and it won't make a fucking difference to those that aren't willing to be open to reality.

Never had it any other way
Drowning in the grace
Never had a chance to break apart our heart for them to see
It's really a disgrace

I can't say it enough
Can't sing it enough
So I'll find another way


I have to turn to other means of emotional venting to keep from having that kind of torture paralyze me.  Sometimes that results in making someone actually accountable for what they've put upon me and a few other people.  But that will have to come later I suppose, but believe me, it will come.  So I'll find another way...

Desert
It's revelation saying
Don't come running to me
When they're coming for you


The chance is gone, I hope you're okay swimming by yourself.  I won't even care if you drown, the person I loved died a long time ago.

No Control
I am the worst when it comes to acceptance and moving on. I avoid it every chance I get and procrastinate until the last possible second. I don't want to do that, I want to control the outcome and finally be right for a fucking change and I don't think that's too much to ask. It's been a long time coming and I'm sick of being fucked with in every relationship (be it romantic, family or friendship) I seem to try and have. It makes me not want to make the effort anymore. I guess I'm back to being cynical.

Be for someone else
Love is in your actions
I got a job
So let me find 10 million distractions
Some get sick
Some don't get cured
That's how it goes
But the worst is over
Chum and throw me overboard


451
(strangely this is my old home phone number prefix)
When the moment finally hits the other person that decided to make all of your decisions for you (and you let them) it's pretty goddamned powerful.  It's a trip I can't be there to witness the inevitable meltdown but I like to imagine there is a lot of screaming.

The clock ticks but you just sit and wish you had someone to wrestle with
It's a small tooth touch, it comes around and rings your bell
Shows you how you thought you felt
Slowly floss your Holy molars
Deader than a Donner daughter
I start the car with my mind
Fired up my fear machine, can't help what they drove into me


Batter Up
I don't think I could have said my goodbye to my old thoughts so poetically.  I guess that is what happens when shit ends. You take your next swing. I'm passing the torch because I'm a tough act to follow and I'm almost excited to see the next failure that happens when you find out you were wrong.

In the valley of your slowly-fading memory
Are there pastures bathed in some uncertain light where you won’t graze?
Paths you won't take?

Spin around now
Can you hear me?
Am I still buzzing in my sleep?
What does it feel like to shine between everything?

It's never going to stop
Batter up
Give me your best shot
Batter up

I saw something in the night sky over Camden
Turned around and drove the opposite direction 'cause I fear them
Now when will they come?

You were all I see
You were everything
Cast about you, turning up your gravity and pull me in
Or under

It's never going to stop
Batter up
Give me your best shot
Batter up

And even though the roar died in your throat
The lines get blurred
Lose whoever you once were
Died and returned to the earth
Found ourselves back
In love



Thank you, Brand New. Thank you.

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