i'm supposed to be reflecting but mostly i'm watching netflix

9:14 PM

9.5.2017



This trip to Montana seemed to come at the perfect time. I have a book to edit and revise, I needed some time with family, I needed to not be in my normal routine (desperately) otherwise I may have ended up doing so many things I could possibly regret (and may still do at least one of them, that's pending how I feel when I return), and I mostly just needed some breathing room. The thing is, as much as I was urged to take this time to do shit for me and the work that makes me happy, I'm mostly just being lazy on a different couch for a change (this one has flowers on it).

Tomorrow I get to "run the river" with Rayce and I'm actually excited. I haven't been fishing since I was a kid and I've never been fly fishing and I almost feel as if it's sort of a rite of passage in being a Townsend and I've missed out for 31 years. I made ribs in an Instant Pot this evening which was a first, and they turned out better than I ever dreamed and my stomach may be regretting it a bit right now. I'm sleeping in a motor home that now has heat because at five thirty this morning Rayce came out and scared the fuck out of me, but he turned on the propane tank. Right now I hear three dogs barking (two belong to us) and Aadi is just sitting here wondering why she can't participate. I also really wish I had a glass of wine but the cherry coke will have to do.

I always bring books with me when I travel. I brought a Klosterman, a memoir and a book of essays. I brought three notebooks with three different purposes. I have way too many shoes that aren't practical and for the first time since I arrived, I'm actually warm.

Today was a good day and nothing really happened.

I should be thinking and planning and figuring out my next move but for whatever reason something is holding me back. I know what it is, we all know what it is, but regardless of IT I'm still being Jordan and procrastinating the shit out of everything. I don't want to waste any more time being afraid of change and I also don't want to waste any more time not speaking my mind and putting things in their place if it comes to that.

In the last year I was told by someone dear to me how unfortunate it was I didn't stand up for myself more or speak my mind. I have a feeling that will soon be a very, very regretable statement.

"Don't take no shit, Jord. Do you."

How do I sleep at night? Just fucking fine. Too bad we all can't say that.

A piece of advice before I end up saying more things I may actually regret: just because you think you've come out of a shitty situation without much more than a few surface wounds doesn't mean shit. Sometimes it takes a waiting period before the real damage shows, and I'm pretty great at bringing things to light.

Goodnight.

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