no one ever told me that closure feels like a truck hitting you

7:08 AM

9.20.2017



Is closure actually essential? I think so. I think it can bring a sort of clarity to the ending of a situation or relationship but that doesn’t necessarily mean it doesn’t bring new levels of devastation along with it.

Yesterday out of surprise I was faced with the possibility of getting closure from something that’s been plaguing me. Red. Red is something or someone I haven’t truly been able to let go of, mostly because the entire thing has been one up in the air fact after another and I just sort of got used to the idea that Red was always going to follow me on some level.

The thing with closure, at least for me, is that I have to be in a place to be able to hear the words spoken to me and accept them. I don’t mean a physical location, but mentally I have to be ready. If I’m not in that mindset then I won’t get anything from it and the cycle will continue. Yesterday I was in between, but overall I think I was ready. That’s not to say that today I’m not completely back in my head going over everything, but I’m at least able to bring myself back down to earth and say “nothing is ever going to change, no matter how clever the dialogue was spun in your favor.”

Does that mean my relationship with Red is completely over? No? I don’t think so? I think as it was, it’s no longer, but I still think there will be a gnawing presence there for a while that I won’t be sure what to do with. Some days Red may surface and others it may be as if Red never existed. What do I want? I’m not sure. There is a part of me that never wants to close that door completely and then there is another part of me that knows I have to, and not just for me but for Red as well. The awful part of all of this is knowing that I wasn’t alone in my misery, I just can’t hide it as well.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve clearly vented my frustrations in a rather blatant way and I don’t regret it. I need to be able to say things without worrying how they’re going to come across and I’m not going to stop doing that just because a mutual respect was reached. That isn’t a request to censor myself even if sometimes I think I should, out of respect and protection. You know what? That ship sailed and I owe Red nothing. If I can’t be honest here then what is the point of writing?

As it stands I’m alright where things stand, for the most part. As long as I can keep telling myself that nothing will change, and believe it, I think it will continue to be that way. I at least don’t have as many murderous feelings (today) or the need to seek and destroy (today), but I still have hurt and resentment and I’ll probably still be angry and have a hard time trusting people for a while. If anything I did get the result I needed. I got the information I needed to hear. That I’m not alone in my hurt and that I was actually right about some things. And albeit late, I got the apology I deserved.

I also reserve the right to change anything my mind about anything I said here later.

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