all filler no killer

7:30 PM

9.8.2017



I guess the first step toward acceptance is admitting or acknowledging that there is an issue, right? So here goes: I'm admitting that often times I am a filler. Maybe part of this is on me, but I get the feeling that I'm kind of there to pass the time for people on their way to something better. This goes in relationships, family and otherwise.  I let it happen, but it seems to be my purpose on this earth.  What a lovely place to be.

I think everything just kind of hit me today and the only way I know how to deal with things is through my eyeballs. I cry, and it may be over dramatic and emotional but it's what I do. I avoid confrontation so I find a quiet place to let my emotions out so I can move on. The thing is, this can't always work when you have family that wants to stand up for you and their hearts are completely in the right place but I can't get my point across that confrontation is the worst possible thing even if everyone else seems to think it's a problem solver.

This isn't meant to come off as self-loathing but why can't I just be enough? I do good things. I've accomplished a lot in the past couple of weeks, shit I am actually really proud of but with every good thing I do and try to talk about, someone else did something more poignant or someone else is the real thing and I'm just there to kill time.

It took a few days and I've kept my cool and held my shit together but today I was just done and needed to actually feel some feelings instead of just word vomiting. I recognized my filler status in the last few weeks and today it came more to light that it's not just with romantic relationships, but it kind of crosses over into other realms of my life as well.  I didn't even notice until today. I'm hoping it passes with little retaliation so that I can enjoy the rest of my vacation before I head back to Utah to regain my position as a doormat. Maybe this is the push I need to actually stand up for myself back home instead of just threatening it.

God, who the fuck have I become lately?

I don't want to be a filler anymore. I want more and I want to be someone real. I want to be someone who matters and who doesn't get overlooked because she's quiet and a little shy and sometimes has real trouble being vocal about her wants and needs. She still deserves respect and tolerance and for people to actually give a shit instead of thinking she'll be just fine because she was never taught to stand up for herself. She's learning and trying to navigate this on her own with little guidance and sometimes she's going to fucking fail because that's just reality. No, that's not permission to walk all over her or take advantage of her kindness. That's an opportunity to see that there is a real person there, with real feelings that matter and she deserves to be treated like a god damned human being.

I love my family but right now I'd rather have a drink.

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