word vomit and then some

6:32 PM


I haven't had to deal with Red this week at all. The thought/feeling/possibility hasn't surfaced and it's calming yet terrifying all at once. I've stayed inside of my proverbial bubble and I'm sort of ashamed to leave. I've grown comfortable and I don't want to just abandon it to return to my old ideals. I've actually made changes, progress and I need to keep up with that. I've had two people this week (two!!) tell me there is a glow about me they haven't seen in weeks. That was insane to me because I don't really feel like I've been any different. And then it hit me, I've not let myself get wrapped up in my Red anxiety. Granted, I haven't had much of a choice, but I'm managed to shove those feelings deep into my stomach where they're not even relevant right now. Is this permanent? No, I'm sure of it. I'm positive that at the most inopportune time they will come up unwillingly and I'll somehow lose my shit. I may be with people, I may be alone, but it's coming. I know these things. For now, I just keep going about my business, as if this is the life I live all the time. I don't have the normal fears or anxieties. Sure, I talk to myself a lot and I say all the things I'm too afraid to say out loud. I can't confront Red or reality yet, I'm simply not ready.

Good things are happening, and that scares me. I shouldn't be afraid of the good, but I fucking am. Terrified, even. The thought of something I actually want happening actually cripples me. How fucked is that?


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sup fool.