i always watch six feet under when i'm soul-searching

12:50 PM

8.6.2017



Typically, I'll relate to Claire. Specifically, Claire and Gabe at this moment (because I am watching season 1). This quote hit me hard and as I was watching it, I reached for the notebook I keep in my purse because this describes exactly how I feel:

He needs me. For the first time in my life, I felt important. Like someone needed me, you know? Not like some annoying extra person just lumped in with everyone else. No one's ever needed me. We had this really intense connection and now it's like, gone. And I want it back. I want him back. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something about me that makes me deserve something like this? Just feeling really close to someone and having them disappear? Like I mean nothing?

Oompf.

Then I watch Brenda and Nate and I feel like Nate. Trying to get close to people and they get scared and resist. This happens a lot. I am guilty of the same crimes. I won't let anyone get too close. Yet, it happens to me and I get pissed off? Where is the logic there, Jordan? It's frustrating but expected, I suppose.

Why does this show, in particular, force me to deal with all the shit that I'm hiding from myself? All the things I don't like that I refuse to face. I'm not a liar but I'll toggle around this subject until I suffocate and I feel that keeps me strong? Really, it's weak. I hide from the truth and from the reality that I'm too intimidated to let surface. I hide behind words because that's the clever way to do it. I think I'm clever, though some will tell you different. Truth is, I am, I just use it in a more unorthodox way.

See, that makes me clever.

Claire and Gabe get real. I'm scared I'm not going to finish my math homework. I'm scared that you are too good for me.

I really, really should stop watching this. But honestly, I like what I'm discovering.

xjord

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sup fool.

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