...and miles to go before i sleep

9:15 PM

8.10.2017



I didn't think I had anything to say this eve, yet here I am, my fingers itching to write. I don't have much but that's fine.

I had to face Red today. We're going to say Red is a loose term for my anxiety, the people that give me anxiety, among other things. I had some engagements after work that I was quite nervous for (I'm almost a real writer) and I could barely finish my granola this morning, my nerves were that bad. I was faced with Red and I didn't handle myself well at all. I never do, no matter how hard I try, and how much I plan, when it surfaces, I fall apart. I'm only mildly ashamed, I am who I am, right?

I fight for things I shouldn't. Things, people, you name it. If I feel there is even an inkling to keep going, I do. I will quote the great Bryan Adams when I say:

Oh you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
Yeah, I would fight for you,
I lie for you
Walk the wire for you, yeah, I'd die for you


...and that can pertain to anything. A person I love, a person I tolerate most of the time, the deadline I want to meet but worry I won't, and even the sweater at Target I keep thinking about but won't buy because I'm proving to myself I'm an adult and have willpower. I put myself on the line for things on purpose, but it's weird when it shifts from being a thing of pride to being actual reality. And when should a person give up?

When every last shred of hope is gone and you've tried everything.

But even then, I probably won't. It's just my nature. Because without hope then I'm just like them.

xjord

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