give me back my blackberry - an essay-ish about craving yet hating change

8:13 PM

8.3.2017


My co-worker's desk is messier than mine.


It's only Thursday, but this Thursday feels like a Friday because it is my Friday. I decided to take the day off of work tomorrow for my sanity. I've had a lot of struggles there recently, some self-inflicted and some beyond my control. I will say this: I'm not a bad employee by any means. I feel the need to make sure that's known. I just tend to be more assertive than passive and sometimes that doesn't go over well. I guess that's corporate life, eh?

I feel like I can't write about things like that here but I'm keeping it vague in an effort to be able to express my thoughts and frustrations while maintaining my ethical side. I have this space for a reason, so I need to utilize it to the best of my ability. And I am a writer so I can be clever and descriptive within all the vague adjectives.

Lately, I've been craving change. I go through these emotions a few times a year where I seriously consider figuring out how to sell off everything, downsize, and move somewhere completely foreign. By foreign, I don't necessarily mean Paris (though what a dream), but somewhere like New York or Portland or New Mexico. I just want something different, something more and I crave and crave it but the feeling fades and I continue the day to day tasks of coffee making, freeway driving and typing on a computer that can be viewed by my company security without notice or permission. I don't mind it, that's what you do when you grow up, isn't it? You get a job and you work for the rest of your life. You put money into your 401k so that one day you can stop working and still survive. I go to a job and I type things and complete tasks so that I can buy toilet paper. It feels sort of silly when you think about it literally. I do these things, make this money all so that I can live. I understand it, but it almost feels like if you're putting in the effort to work, you should have a little more to show for it than the essentials for staying alive?

I know I'll probably never have a career as a writer. It's a hobby, and sometimes I get paid and sometimes I don't but either way it brings a sense of completion to an otherwise mundane life. My life isn't bad, but there isn't anything currently magical happening. Ruts happen, to some more than others, and it is what it is...but then why do I sit here every few months wondering why I don't just make a drastic change and actually start doing what I want?

Oh, that's right, because I'm an adult and I have responsibilities. I have a dog and a mortgage and I like to see my 401k grow with every paycheck. Is this a cop out? Possibly. I am afraid of change, we know this. If I could still use a Blackberry I would. I questioned the IT guy endlessly the other day as he upgraded my work computer: Are you suuuuure you won't put Windows 10 because I don't do well with tiles? It's a little insane, but that's me. I use something until it's beaten down and I have no other choice but to upgrade. More proof of this is the fact that my iPhone has been bothering me for weeks to update to whatever the current ios situation is, and I think I've missed the last two.

The point is, I'm toying with the idea of change. It's nothing serious and it's something I'll probably only dream about but it's there. So many things have happened over the last several years, some a lot more recently that have caused me to question my very existence. I took one leap of faith and started actively writing and it's actually brought me rewards. That dream of writing a novel by 30, which is now 40, is becoming more and more real that maybe I'll say 35 the next time I'm asked. I'm an avid believer that the only way to create a change you need or want is by action. I've found some people have a very hard time understanding this (like Red....I'll get to that), but it's true and I'm not sorry that I'm right.

xjord

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