you say jump and i say off of what overpass

8:11 AM


So this is sort of a continuation of my last essay, but at the rate things are going, this is probably going to be a fucking series.

I've been struggling with something lately. Okay, let's be honest, when am I not struggling with something? It's not with a relationship as you'd assume, but it's definitely a relationship-type struggle.

How do you handle when you feel like nothing you ever do is going to be good enough?

Let's look at this in a very broad way. Pick your poison: work, love, family, friendships, whatever. Sometimes effort goes unnoticed. Sometimes you set the bar too high by being reliable that if you falter even slightly, you're deemed unreliable? I get it. I've done it. I am (was, but still am partially) flaky. I'm not proud of it but I have done it. That being said, there are cases in which I'm the complete opposite. I've gone out of my way for people and things. I've gone above and beyond at my job, in relationships, you name it. Recognition? I don't really need it, it's just what I do. Is it constant? No, it's not.

I'll say this. I have had a rough fucking year and there have been many, many times in which I've been ridiculous. I've bailed on things, I've slacked off, I've pushed limits and I've abused the system and relationships with people I care about. I mention this because I've been avidly working to turn that shit around. I don't want to be known as that girl. That girl that is never on time, may or may not do something asked of her. I've rolled my eyes at the same type of people before and made the same snide comments that have now been said behind my back, and it sucks. I want to be someone that is constant. I want to be known as the one you can count on to be there for you, get shit done, whatever the task is, it's handled. I don't want to be mediocre.

The sad part is, is sometimes you fuck up a little and it sticks with you. No matter what you do from then on, you could perform open-heart surgery on a diplomat using nothing but a bobby pin and a piece of string and they'll still only remember that time that you were underprepared. Is that fair? Should that stigma always follow you? No, but it does, and we've all been on the giving end. I'm here to advocate that the policy is changed. Second (and sometimes third) chances should be given, depending on the circumstance. When you can tell someone is actively trying to change their ways, they might fucking fail but as long as they're willing to recognize it and proactively move past that, doesn't another fair shot seem reasonable? Maybe I am naive and maybe I am too forgiving. A doormat. Easily taken advantage of. But I feel it's justified and I guess it's up to each person to decide that on their own.

I may not be the best person ever but I have fucking integrity.

I had a conversation at dinner recently with Rayce. He's a "yes" man (see my last post). Play the game man, and God love him for it. "There is always light at the end of the tunnel," he says. Classic Rayce-ism as I call it. I wish it was as simple as that for me. I can't do that. I can't just bend over and take it in the metaphoric ass. I have principles and if they are upstanding and not hurting anyone, I'm going to stick with them. I'm negotiable, but I'm firm and I can debate the shit out of something if I believe in it enough. It goes with everything. I just get frustrated when I'm not given a fair shot to have that debate.

This brings me back to my original's over-achieving worth it? So, you know the way to get ahead is to say yes, do the things, go to the lunches, schmooze the right people, agree when you don't. To a point this is fine, but why does that mean more than your ethics? I'm learning that a lot of times, it gets you a hell of a lot further to be the everyman than to actually have a fucking opinion of your own. I don't know why this is so hard for me, but no matter how many times I've tried to compromise for the cause, I end up miserable. Hell, I'm miserable fighting for my own cause and having it go nowhere but at least I don't have that internal monologue screaming at me while I'm down. What is better, the devil you know or the devil you don't?

I came across a quote, probably in meme-form, but good lord it got to me, silly as it is. If Tetris has taught me anything it's that your errors pile up but your achievements disappear.. You can do a thousand things right and the only comment you'll get is the one time you screwed up.

As of late, I have been working my ass off to get to a better place in all of my relationships, and sometimes I have a bad day. That bad day seems to be the only thing that's recognized. What do I do? Try to have an even better ass-kicking day next, and I burn myself out and for what? For the one mistake I made to be remembered. I hate it, it's ridiculous, but it's not worth complaining. It gets me nowhere. At the end of the day I know I've tried, but I think what I'm trying to figure out while writing this is that maybe I don't need to go full throttle when all it's going to do is eat at me more. Maybe sometimes enough actually is enough and it doesn't have to be enough plus five. It the outcome of inner-loathing is going to be the same either way, why do more than you need to? Sometimes a brek is a good thing.


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sup fool.