you always sit at the back of the emotional rollercoaster

12:44 PM

7.10.17



It's a little strange how emotions work. I guess that's the point, and maybe it's not the same for everyone, but I find that something so tiny can completely alter how I feel before I even realize it. I'm going along fine and a song or a movie trailer or something seemingly insignificant becomes this huge deal and my mood completely shifts.

I don't understand why my opinion of myself can't be the only one that matters. I don't get why others comments matter to me, even when it's not even directly related. It's frustrating that I so often feel like I am not enough. I feel like I try and I made progress and then out of nowhere, something happenstance shifts the fuck out of my world.

I know I'm not alone and I have found more and more people who feel this way, but I sort of wish that wasn't the case. I really just wish we'd all wake up and be okay with who we are and how we choose to live our lives as long as we're honest (to a degree even) and we aren't hurting anyone.

I can sit for hours thinking about all of the things I can do to change my current direction, but that's as far as it goes, I think about it. I'm more of a thinker than a doer and frankly I'm sick of it. Does that mean I'm going to change it? Possibly. I'm not sure. I have intentions to, but then I sit and think about it more. I hope I find something that clicks and makes me go "alright, lets do something productive, I'm feeling incredibly motivated!", and sometimes I do and it lasts five minutes and then I just want to take a nap. Then there are days where I sit and sit and live vicariously through some form of entertainment thinking "okay, I can do that" and then I don't, I just keep watching others live the life I want and think I deserve. That brings me to the point of do I deserve it? Do I deserve it just because I think I do? Doesn't it require some effort on my part?

Effort is also a really difficult word for me. It's one I throw around a lot, yet sometimes it's just not my style. I know things require effort. Work, relationships, general living and breathing. Should there be a reason or should it just come naturally? I think possibly it's a mixture. I have the drive on some things and not for others and I tend to pick and choose based on their importance (according to me). I procrastinate and justify it. I've done that my entire life and it's no longer working. I just wish I had better control over the whole emotions thing, because it seems like the most inane something-or-other can completely destroy any sense of incentive I have.

Mostly I just feel like the majority of the last several years I've been wasting my time. I've had all of these huge dreams I've let go for no reason whatsoever besides the fact that I am lazy. Sure, I'm scared to fail, but I've failed before and come out alright. I encourage everyone that doubts themselves to believe in themselves yet I can't seem to do the same for me. I have support but I never listen to those people, instead I listen to the ones that don't seem to care and let them define me. I don't know why this is so ridiculous and so hard to comprehend. It's really very simple, but I think I make it complicated as yet another reason to justify the fact that I don't do anything for myself.

I have my dog, and for some reason she inspires me. That sounds nuts, but its weirdly true because when I'm down, she'll look at me like I'm her saving grace and her entire existence relies on me and I'm responsible. I love that, it makes me feel needed, which is something I really don't feel a lot of. This is probably why I'm self-evaluating.

No one is going to save you but yourself. Cliched but simple. It's nice to have others to rely on, helpful even, but it's up to you to make your life what you want it. I may say that over and over, but I have been a bad example of living it. I'm all talk, and I really am hoping that I change that. I'm not entirely sure what that means but I know I want to accomplish things. I want to travel some and I want to get married and I want to write and I want to have stories to tell. It's never going to happen if I don't make it. I can sit there and wait forever and blame every little thing for my lack of urgency but in truth, its really me being lazy and afraid. So there is that.

I'm human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does. Ah, Morrissey.

So I guess there isn't really a point in putting this out there. I'm whiny, I'm emotional, blah blah blah. Mostly I just want to admit out loud (ish) that I am becoming more aware of my actions, or lack thereof. I keep getting reminded of this quote from when I was a kid, and it's rather hilarious overall, but it sort of resonates more now. I was a lover of the Disney Channel Original Movies and my favorite, thanks to my younger brother, was Brink. All about in-line skating and it's coolness. Well, funny enough, words I've carried with me throughout the years are, "when you woke up did you say 'today I'm going to talk' or 'today I'm going to skate?'" There you go, probably not a direct quote but my point is made. I think I need to start skating instead of always talking about skating. Maybe that'll be the difference.

Here is to feeling better tomorrow.

xjord

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