my life is in a constant state of disarray (i'm not ok...i promise)

7:36 AM

07.20.2017

My bathroom counter (the "clean" part), at any given time.

My life reflects my lifestyle, which is chaotic, but workable. Preferable? Maybe not, but as I've mentioned several times, I have a bit of a laziness problem.

My bathroom counter, kitchen counter, car, closet, dresser, etc. are never clean. I may tidy them, and there are maybe a handful of times a year where they are as clean as they've ever been, but to most people's standards, they could still stand a wipe down or two (especially by Marian's).

I do the clutter thing. I let mail pile up (assuming I pick it up more than once a month), magazines, notes I write. I have piles and each pile means something.

If I'm found dead, I've been very direct in keeping a testament of my life...however you will have to piece it together because it spans over probably eight notebooks in various page orders and they will never be in the same location (as stated above, some are probably in the trunk of my car which hasn't been opened in at least five years).

Trinkets help the disorganization seem a little more aesthetically pleasing. At this moment I've held off on my collection snow globes (because they are not cheap) and I've began collecting old ashtrays and lighters because I need more places to put my rings and old lighters just sort of happened upon me thanks to Rayce.

As of now, I realized I forgot to give Aadi water, and the only reason I remembered is because I heard her get up, and then silence. That means she is sitting on the rug with her head between her paws with this look on her face of pure annoyance and I only get it when I realize she isn't sitting next to me anymore. So I gave her water.

At work, it's not much different. It's known that my desk is where paperwork never gets filed and ends up in a box and sometimes I have to remember which pile that one thing I need from that one day I did this one thing is and it becomes a twenty minute (minimum) crusade through notes I don't need to find it. I always find it. That's the thing. Always.

Most days I completely do not feel like I have my shit together. I know it's the cool thing now to talk about how getting out of bed is an effort (ironically) but some days, it actually fucking is. So it goes like this. I get up super early, I have my makeup and hair routine down pat, I have enough time to let the dog out and heat up whatever coffee is left in the pot (I get up a few minutes early if I actually have to brew it, but that's a whole other story) and I go to work. Once I actually am in the bathroom, staring at the counter I've referenced too many times for one post, I know I'm on winning ground. There are the few times that I get that far and go uh, I can't. And those days happen. But if I can actually, literally, physically, step out of bed, chances are I'll be mildly productive, and some days that's all I can give.

Which brings me to how again, most days, I completely do not feel like I have my aforementioned shit together. Even if the morning goes well and I step onto work territory, there are so many landmines there, and they often destruct a few times a week. I have learned to partially fake it on the outside. I can hold a decent conversation and smile and engage. And in the spirit of being truthful, I am not faking interest at all, but I fake that I'm good and not secretly melting down emotionally over my own whatever. There are those times where that doesn't work at all and I just need to put on my headphones and let tears happen and pray no one needs to ask me a question. I know it isn't just me. I know others have those days, I've seen them. I try to keep them to a minimum but I also don't try to swallow those feelings like I used to.

Some days your eyeliner stays in place, and others you're touching it up in the lobby bathroom after each break. Hoping you can pass it off as a smoky eye, when in reality, you look like a member of whatever popular emo band dominated your iPod.

Even if for the most part I really wish I wasn't like this, and had a more established set of togetherness, I don't. I can keep it in check, probably better than I am, but for the moment, if I can make it through each day, I consider it good. Especially since that used to seem overwhelming. Granted there are still those days where I forget a bra and I just have to go on anyway.

xjord









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