i don't want to win the battle, i just want to be asked to participate

4:24 PM

7.14.17

Kind of as "Margot Tennenbaum" as you get.

This isn't Game of Thrones, but if it was, I'd probably be Eddard Stark and I'd be dead already. Spoilers.

At this particular juncture of life, it seems like in every aspect, there is a battle of some sort and I'm on the losing end. I enter into things that in no way can work out and I still hold the rope until my hands burn. I rarely let go on my own, I usually have to be forced. Maybe that's a flaw. In my relationships, in my work life, in my head, I'm constantly fighting for things that want to push back with force, and they're fucking brutal. I get you can't win them all. I also get you pick your battles sometimes, and that's a really tough pill for me to swallow. I am stubborn and I want to stand up for what is right (or what I think is right), but I will say that the majority of the time I'm not selfish. It may trickle in here or there, and I may find some way to tie the winning end to myself. I'm human, that shit is going to happen. Occasionally, I have had to take several steps back and assess that I'm not in it solely for my interest. I think I've actually gotten pretty good at telling the difference.

I've had a lot of sparring matches with myself over the years which cause me to activate my defense mechanism of sitting down and shutting up and pretending things are golden. I can blame others and influences all day, but it's my choice how I react. I get criticized by someone I love or respect and I'm fucked. I recoil, nod yes, and that's it. In the last few years I have learned to stand up for myself and be better about handling my emotions when called out. Believe it or not there is a respectful way to do it, I just had to be shown the courtesy. Strange. This has never lasted until recently. I have a few things currently I'm required to fight for. I say that in bold because that's my perspective, I guess. And in both situations, I'm seemingly always fighting for my voice, and I'm being shut down with every noun that falls from my mouth.

So when do you give up? Truly, I'm asking. When do you decide the struggle isn't worth it? I seem to go, go, go until I can't breathe anymore, and then it's instant cut off. I don't look back. I suppose that isn't good, but I probably put myself through a lot more agony than is needed. I tend to get stuck on the worry that if I concede too soon then I'll always wonder. At least this way I don't. I can usually say "yup, that didn't fucking work". I brush my hands off and teeter away.

I'm stuck right now, because I'm not ready to give up on anything, but I feel I've reached the end of the aforementioned rope. I'm not done, but its essentially just the frays that are left touching my fingers. I'll find any reason I can to keep grasping, and I almost take comfort that eventually it'll just be pulled too far that I literally. cannot. grasp. anymore. God forbid I disconnect willingly, I've already explained that's damn near impossible. So as it stands, I wait. Maybe I'll extend my arm beyond it's capability and risk dislocating my shoulder...that's inevitably how it will go, or I can prevent further masochism, throw in my flag, yell 'fuck this', and plan my 'finding myself again' vacation. I wish it were easy, you know? I wish there was just a standard instinct to know when you've wasted the appropriate amount of time on something. Then a timer dings, your brain recognizes it, and you pull out.

Maybe it is that simple.

As most people know (and one I've dated), the "pull out method" isn't always effective. Assuming that's that's your thing, you have to expect that the action comes with risk. So if I'm going with that, I think now may be the ideal time to remove myself (the penis) from the vagina of the conditions at hand. Sure, a baby may still happen, but chances are things will be fine, and there will be no life long consequences. I'll move on with only embarrassment and possibly something on my leg.

The alternative would be to stay put, keep going, and see what happens. This is where I have to cool it with the metaphors because I'm going to confuse myself and anyone reading this by implying I want a kid. My point is, if I keep going, and risk it even more, I could end up in a pretty fucking great place because I worked for what I wanted. Then again, another alternative, it could be pretty fucking disappointing. It's all about intentions. Great, even more to figure out.

I suck at making choices. I go back and forth endlessly and just hope that someone will make the decision for me. When I do actually work it out myself, the gratification is certainly worth all the agony, I just hold myself back from doing that too often. What I'm gathering from this is that intent is where I start. If I'm going to continue to battle for things I feel are worthwhile, as long as I have the intent of something positive, it's worth the stress. When the stress becomes so much that it's all-consuming, it may be time to consider other options. I do know myself well enough to know that once I hit that point, I have to be ready. Once I'm out, I have to be out for good, otherwise there was absolutely no point in the hurt I've felt. If I'm going to hurt, I want to come out on the other side with at least a little dignity.

Let's be honest, dignity was lost the second I compared something serious with sex. That's okay, I'll sleep fine this eve.




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sup fool.

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