assumption is a dick move

8:09 AM

07.25.2017



Recently I've been forced with facing the lovely world of assumption over fact. The thing is, I can take a lot thrown at me, especially with proof. "Hey, you bailed on me." "Yeah, I did." I'm not a fan of confrontation but when it's based on something I actually did, I'll fess up. I may teeter around taking responsibility for a bit, but eventually, I get there. Then there is the accusatory comment based on rumors. Even if said rumors seem completely possible, unless you know, shut your fucking mouth.

I'm a little aggressive writing this, I get it. I guess that means what I say in the next several paragraphs will be passionate.

I can't say I haven't played the accuser before with this same subject. Especially in relationships, be it a friend or lover. I've placed blame where blame shouldn't be placed. I'm human, so are you. It isn't right, and I know that. I've had to take a step back and regroup my thoughts and sometimes I've had to flat out apologize for being a bitch. Now, being on the receiving end, I kind of wish I was given the same courtesy.

The thing is, I'm kind of different. This can be good and bad. I'm frequently in an environment where being different is looked at as a bad thing. Growing up you're told to celebrate your differences (well, you are now, maybe not in 1995) and embrace your weird. Go against the grain. It seems like someone is trying to rain on that parade of mine.

The problem stems from me being a "yes" man for far too long. I was a kiss ass, and I still am to some degree. Rayce always tells me "you've got to play the game, Cutes." Dad, sometimes it is so unbelievably hard to play that game. It's downright exhausting sometimes and I am not good at faking it. I think I used up all the allotted acting credits you're given at birth for when you want to lie to your parents and pretend you like your best friend's boyfriend. I used them all up in one setting and now I just can't do it anymore. I hit my limit and said, "fuck this, I can't play your game anymore."

Some people don't like to be challenged. Some people just expect their word to be taken as doctrine. I'm right, you're wrong, blah blah blah. So then it comes to me and I'm faced with one of those people. So, sure, I'll play a bit. I'll feel it out. Honestly, the last thing I want to do is say something based off of assumption. That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid myself. I have to think really hard and choose my words (and actions) carefully. As time goes on I find that maybe I'm the one who is right, though stating that is going to cause a lot of friction. So, where does that leave me? I can keep engaging and try to keep the boat steady or I can fucking rock it.

I guess you could say I'm a boat rockstar...or something.

I stood up for myself last week. It took a lot of guts and it rubbed some the wrong way but I have absolutely no regrets. I felt better after even if it didn't have the outcome I'd hoped. Nothing detrimental happened, but I can tell I've made myself more of an outsider than I already am within the group in which I'm vaguely speaking. You know what? That's fine. Things were thrown at me based off of an assumption that is in no way fact-based, and I'd expect that sort of thinking from some, but not others, especially when those others are supposed to be my support. I have tried for so long to make myself fit in and be what they wanted me to be, but I felt exactly how I felt in my marriage like I was faking it every day and it was getting me nowhere. Also, I was unhappy. So the choice had to be made. Do I continue on? Or do I stand up for myself? There wasn't a real risk (that would make this completely different), but the possibility of feeling even more different than I already did. It was worth it. Keeping my dignity and standing up for something that's real and that I believe in is truly worth a small risk because even if I still got nowhere, and there will still be some unhappiness, at least I'm not lying to myself.

The only reason I'm even putting this out there is that after the decision was done and there was no going back, I realized how many times I've felt this exact same feeling before, and how many others may be feeling it too. It can apply anywhere: work, relationships, family, whatever. And not only that, maybe you've had a moment where you've been the one delivering hurtful words based on something you think you know? Take the time to really digest your thoughts before you put them out there. You can assume all that you want, but you never really know until you know.

Kills you, doesn't it?

xjord

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