purge

9:39 AM



**DISCLAIMER** So this is my blog. I write a lot and never post. Why? Mostly because I like to write dark shit and the second I post dark shit, the cavalry comes to try and save me. I would like to go on record saying that this is simply a purge of emotion I've got to get out of my head somehow and in no means is there any seriousness to it. Please understand that.

Huh, I act like people actually read my writing.

On her last day of life she woke up and went through her routine like every other Monday for the last eleven years. Woke up, coffee, dressed, drove to work, did some work, etc. But then, about 5:45 she said fuck it and drove home, before anyone even noticed she was there. It was easy and a luxury that she wasn't supposed to have, but took it anyway even if she knew she should. Once home, she finished the breakfast she couldn't choke down before and made some more coffee. For whatever reason, she was dreaming of Paris, so she searched her Netflix queue for foreign films and settled on Amelie. Good choice, given the day.

She thought about the people she's resonated with in the past year, the fictitious ones. Amelie, Margot Tenenbaum, occasionally Sylvia Plath. I guess it can't get any more dramatic than that.

This girl, she has spent the better part of her life making sure everyone else is comfortable. She gives and in truth, sometimes she takes, like we all do. And when she does take, it's gruesome. She's ruined friendships because of her self-deprecation. She has ignored those that seem to care about her most because she figures, why do they? Then the ones that seem to take or leave her, she fights endlessly for their comfort and understanding and then completely dies inside when she realizes she is nothing to them but a thought that drifts through their mind occasionally.

When you start to feel taken for granted and walked upon, there are a few ways to handle it. Her typical go-to is to try harder, work harder, fight harder. She wanted to see if that made any difference and there are moments where she catches glimpses of true affection and understanding and even love, sometimes. It's fleeting but it's enough that keeps her making it to the next day.

Until today, I guess.

Today was different. Today she hit that wall where she realized that no matter how much she puts out there, some people are never going to give it back. She sits and she starts to write, about all the things that have made her feel this way and the fact that she just plain does not want to do it anymore.

She isn't serious, she never is. She is dramatic and starts thinking about if she were gone, would it make a difference? She starts having some It's A Wonderful Life flashes which really are bullshit. If she were gone, it would be sad, tragic to some. Her family would hurt, and that's what keeps her going. She may not be on the best terms with some or all of them, but she knows they love her and they would be devastated. But at the same time, is that really her responsibility? No. It's not, but it is. So she stays. She goes to work, feels defeated day in and day out. Gives all of her love and attention to those that tell her she's worth it and she's everything but when it really comes down to it, she's the easiest person to write off. She wonders why, but has deduced it's because we always hurt the ones we love the most. Why? They'll always be there. Their love is unconditional and you can beat this girl to a pulp and she'll still fight for you. And guess what, it's killing her.

She draws a bath, because she likes baths, and no one is home so she can lay there in peace and not worry about any interruptions. This is the place that would make the most sense. It would make a fucking statement. Her last moments were spent in the bathtub because of all places that's where she felt the most normal and accepted because hot water can only reject you when you turn it hotter, and that is up to you.

It's not my place to really say where it ends but it did. And there was minimal pain. In fact, it's almost scary how emotionless it was considering this girl had so much emotion inside of her at one time. I think though, on this particular day, it had all been given away, or at the very least it ran out. And then what? What else is there to do when your sole purpose in life, to give to others either positively or negatively, is voided? You check out. Subtly, because you don't like attention. She didn't like attention. She liked to be thanked and she liked to know she made a difference, but never wanted it broadcast-ed.

If you ever get to that point where you've hit a wall and you're just done, you probably should take a different route than she did. You actually should probably start the change long before you get to the point she did. You don't want to go out knowing you failed, knowing you have unrealistic expectations that will never be met, knowing that you gave away every shred of goodness you had but still in there somehow have just a little hope for yourself, however it's not enough to keep you going anymore. You keep it though, so you don't check out completely empty. So that when they find you, there is a little smile on your face.

My point? Her point? Don't take advantage of the ones that would truly die for you...because maybe someday they'll have to.

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