what 60 days without wine feels like

8:32 AM


Today I am 60 days sober from alcohol and I feel...okay.

I don't feel bad, I actually feel really good, but at the same time I'm like eh, I think I've got this? But the thing that's tricky is that tomorrow I could feel absolutely shitty about this. I understand the whole 'one day at a time' situation now more than I ever did. I feel good...today. I'm not going to drink....today. Tomorrow I can, but not today.

In the last 2 months I feel I've gained a lot of perspective. I've gained a lot of relationships and lost some. Some I had before have gotten stronger while others have suffered. It's a learning curve for anyone I've effected in this, not just me, but to anyone involved you've got to know I'm trying my best. And if you still think I'm failing at this well, that's on you.

That's another thing, I can't take responsibility for how others feel right now. In past relationships and some present, I usually just figure it's easier to give in then to start a fight. I really try and get into the other person's shoes and see where they're at. I can still do that, but I can't think it's all because of me. Some people are going to have frustrations with me and they will be valid but if i'm legitimately trying then that is all I can do. It goes both ways. I will have some completely unrealistic expectations of people and if I get pissed off they don't meet them, that's my problem, not theirs. They are doing their best and maybe I need to realize I can't expect certain things of certain people. They can't with me and I can't with them. We have to compromise and appreciate in order to co-exist.

June is a big month for me. February has always been my scary month, June now is scarier, but with June comes joy, or so I'm telling myself.

I got this email from a really good friend today:


Jordan,
This is especially true in early sobriety and for me today. I have to live in today. When I am living in the future or the past I seem to miss the blessings in the present. When I first got sober 4 years ago, I had to live in segments of 10 minutes at a time. And that was what worked at that time.

Thank God that I only have to worry about this day in front of me.


I'm notorious for living in the past and the future, rarely the present. I'm still guilty of that, but as of today, this moment, I'm going to focus on today and where I'm at. Sure, I'll still be excited for the future and yes, I'll reflect and learn from the past. How can I not? But for today I'm going to appreciate the fact that I've gone 60 days without drinking when some thought I couldn't do it, others thought I didn't need to do it (still figuring that out) and I thought I just needed a fucking change.

In the last 60 days I can say I know what unconditional love is. I know what hurt is. I know that my actions do effect others just like theirs do mine. I've learned not to expect things that are irrational and to honor effort. I have realized the exact crazy that is inside of my mind and even if it's still there, I am definitely better at expressing it or realizing when it's just a mind-fuck.

Mostly I've learned that if I keep doing the right thing, whatever that happens to be, I'm going to get things I want and maybe shit will actually start working out. I'm not saying it's because of a force greater than me, completely, though it helps. I know I have to make efforts and do good and be an honorable person. There are some things that probably still contradict that but for now, for the next 30 days at least (or longer depending on my mood), I'm going to try and be as fucking authentic as possible, own the fact that I don't have to hide behind a wine glass right now while still having horrible social anxiety, and just be. Just enjoy the next little bit because it'll bring some good shit my way.

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1 speaks

  1. So, I'm reading about what 60 days feels like to others and this popped up. Thank you....I needed to read this today. Murray

    ReplyDelete

sup fool.

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