the anxiety of having anxiety

9:27 AM



I woke up at 2am last night scratching my arm. Like I had this itch that would just not quit and something just felt off. I think I had a dream, but I can't be sure, but I just wanted to itch myself out of my skin for a moment, and that's fucking weird.

Anxiety is something I've dealt with off and on for years but only in the last year (drinking and not drinking) has it truly manifested itself into something that literally cripples me some days. Sometimes I just can't fucking deal. I can't be an adult, I can't be productive, I can't talk to anyone without losing focus or interest. And it's funny because most days, super fine. I can handle shit and be functional and life is peachy, but then days like today I'm just a fucking basket case.

It was brought to my attention: pep talks. I'm good at those. I can seriously talk myself into and out of almost everything. The mind is weird, it really can change things if you actually believe what you're telling yourself. You've got to feel it and breathe it and make sure it's not just words. Some days, it's just words and I just get pissy. Other, it's like "okay I've fucking got this." And I move on and do well and rinse and repeat.

So, how I'm going to start dealing? Pep talks. I do it anyway with other things. Get me through work today. Get me through *insert random dramatic girly emotional bullshit here*. Maybe I also need to start pep talking my way out of my own head. How hard can it be? Honesty is something that's really on my high focusing list as of late and so why is it harder for me to be honest with myself than with other people? Because I'm my worst critic? Fuck that, I know me and I know what I am capable of and if some days I can't deal? Fine, just take some time, breathe, and do what you love. But others? Suck it the fuck up and get out there and be human.

This may be short and sweet, but it's to the point. Adult. Just adult and if you need a break, give yourself one, but be productive and be honest and hardworking and realize you can face shit. The end.

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