unlovable

5:45 PM


I fucking hate that term. Unlovable. Thanks, marriage.

I'm not one to give advice really, so all of this is just based on experience over the last few years since my divorce. Go figure, I actually am lovable. How did I not know this?

First off, I'm not placing blame. Sometimes you're in a relationship and it just isn't right. You may figure that out when you find out that something significantly monumental and amazing happened to your former person and all you can do is be super stoked about it. Honestly, and truly happy, without any bad vibes at all. That shows you've moved on, you've mellowed and it's pretty fucking great. It also goes to prove to yourself after much doubt that you are, indeed, lovable...he just wasn't the one to love you and you weren't the one to love him. And that's totally fine.

I know I'm not the only person out there that struggles with self-worth and I'm not here to really go on and on about it, but it's been something I've been thinking about more than normal lately. It's funny, because no matter how confident I can feel some days, I still have this inner-person that wants to break me down and tell me I've got shitty qualities. The thing is, that's all me. No one else is telling me anything remotely like that, but my brain somehow decides to focus only on that little thought and ruin some perfectly great moments. Why is it that if I think something good about myself it only lasts for a second, yet one crappy thought can give me hours of back and forth about what I should have said, what I should be wearing, and so on. That shit is real and it's annoying.

A big thing for me right now is working on my relationship with myself. I have found out, more than I can even explain, that I am someone that can be loved, and easily loved at that, but just to give you an idea, even that does't take away the thoughts of ridiculousness that fill up my brain. They are a little less frequent, but they're still there, and that's really my focus. Sure, some of it comes down to trust, and maybe I still have some PTSD from shit that's been said to me in the past from other people, but screw that. The funny thing is, they probably didn't even mean it directly to me anyway, they probably just felt shitty about themselves and I was a convenient target (or a victim, I also hate that term). It doesn't even matter, what matters is how I end up taking it. Be fucking graceful, Jordan.

So far in the last few years I've learned quite a bit about myself. I have a super addictive personality which can be good and bad. Hey, at least I'm aware of it. I'm actually kind of funny sometimes, though not very clever. I have a really big heart and now that I can actually be there for people, it's a lot nicer. I still have social anxiety, but I've been willing to put forth more effort. I still cry over stupid shit, but it's few and far between, and when I do cry, it's typically over something justified. That's new! I could go on, but that's just me getting self-involved (which I also can be, working on that).

The point is, I'm lovable, you're probably lovable, no matter how damaged or fucked up you are. We all have our things and that is something to own, at least, I'm owning my shit.

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sup fool.

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