routine is the only way i can survive this shit

10:25 PM

So basically, since I started all this AA stuff I've constantly been reminded of routine. At some point I'm going to have to re-learn to do everything without alcohol, but I've always been a creature of routine so apparently I need to re-establish that, too.

So this should be super fun.

In order to stay mindful and open and busy I will need to start the day off right. I've heard more times than I can count "I need to start my program on awakening or bad shit happens." Well, good to know. I have a hard time praying, meditating, all that shit. I'm trying, but I struggle. Day typically starts with coffee, reading some form of daily reflection and giving myself a pep-talk. Whether I talk to a higher power, or just the empty chair next to me, I'm getting my concerns for the day out there so they don't sit with me. Does it always work? Nope. Usually, it doesn't, if I'm being honest, but it's getting better. I wish I could commit to yoga like I used to, but I'd just end up quitting after a week. Unfortunately every day I have to remind myself that I can't drink that day. It sucks, but it's for the best. I am not entirely sure I've accepted it yet, but I don't have to today. Today I just get to not drink, and it's cool

I refuse to get preachy here, but sometimes you just can't spin it any other fucking way.

I have to stay connected. Whether it's people that understand this shit, friends or family that don't but are there for me, my person, it doesn't matter. I have to be involved and accountable, otherwise I'll fuck up. Otherwise I'll withdraw and become isolated. I'm really not a social person anymore, but I used to be. I'm not entirely sure I want to go back to being the butterfly I once was, but a little more effort could surely be made on my part. I like having people I can talk to, I like having people check in on me. I enjoy the fact that people worry (not like oh I love making people worry about me, but more like, people fucking care).

That being said, if I can commit to some form of routine each morning maybe I'll come to accept what is and be okay with this lifestyle change. Coffee will still happen. I still reflect, I'll still pep-talk. Maybe reading a certain poem or piece of writing. Maybe listening to a certain song. Music can always set the mood, right? Either way, shit is going to change and it's going to work. Or it won't, and then I'll have a glass of wine.

Kidding.

Also, this shit is real.

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sup fool.

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