real 30

8:41 AM

Remember how last year I said I was going to kick 2015's ass? Well I didn't, but it certainly kicked mine.

This has been by far the hardest slash most rewarding year yet. I really don't have a lot to say in terms of my annual birthday essay but I'm going to try.

Fake 30 was a weird year. Highlights? Garth toured and I saw him and cried a lot. I spent time with people who care about me, though not as much time as I would have liked. I discovered some new music. I saw Star Wars. I drank A LOT.

Lowlights? I moved back home, which was REALLY hard for me (and I'm still struggling with the decision). I had a few meltdowns. I realize my job isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Wow, that's it? That's all I have to say about this last year? Maybe that's a good thing. It's hard to put into words how this year went, some things I cannot put into words legally. I just know that I made it and I've been promised that 2016 will be a better year (didn't I say that last year? Oh, right).

My nail polish is still cracked.

For now I'll leave it here. Maybe today will turn out better than I expect, though my expectations are sup-par. Maybe I'll get the one thing I want on my birthday this year. That's a secret. But overall I am content. There are things I want, things I could be happier about, but for the most part I'm doing well. I'm still here, still kicking ass and trying to figure out where to take my life. I think maybe that's normal for this age. I really thought I'd be a lot more excited. All I wanted was to hit 30, and now that I'm here it doesn't feel all that special. I wonder if I built it up in my head like I do so many things? It's definitely possible. I'll put on a happy face and indulge those around me that want to celebrate the day I was born and I'll be thankful for that.

Huh. That's one thing I can say about this year, I really do have some amazing people in my life that make me feel wanted. That's all I've ever needed, is to feel genuine love, and I can say now that I have. Some have odd ways of showing it, some are very forthright with how they portray it, but either way it's there and I can't discount that. I'm lucky in so many ways, unlucky in others, but the luck completely overshadows the unluck. I cannot complain about that.

It's a quiet morning, I've had a lot of time to think. I had a really great conversation with my sestra last eve that put some perspective on me. My brother and his girlfriend are here which really helps. My parents are here and show me love. I have friends and co-workers who have already reached out to me and have made me feel amazing. Thank you to everyone that contributed to this year.

30 will be great no matter how confused I am.

Cheers.

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