hotel california

7:00 AM

You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

I think Davis County is my Hotel California. No matter how many times I leave, something always brings me back. Now, that being said, I'm not going back to Davis County any time soon. It's just a feeling I have that I'm going to end up back there in the future. It's inevitable. Unless I stay single, with my little dog, I can't live in the city forever. At my age, anyone I meet, date, marry, divorce, is going to be more of an adult than I will ever be. They may have kids, they may have a dog, but even if they don't, I bet they'll want a parking space to call their own (one of the perks of Davis County and I totally get that). Maybe I am wrong, and maybe they'll dig the city, "urban" life. They won't mind walking everywhere, getting caught in the rain with three giant grocery bags from Sprouts, sirens almost hourly, and the nice homeless people rummaging through your trash when you drink your coffee on your car in the morning. There may be someone like that out there, but in truth, if I know how this is going to go, I'm going to end up back in the DC.

I'm fine with that, I want to clear that up. I love the city, I love it more than anything. Given the fact I was never raised here and didn't experience it until my mid-twenties, it is my home. I'm a city girl through and through, but I would trade it for the normalcy. I could visit and come back and I'd make that a point that we would need to visit and go to restaurants and Sprouts and concerts and so on and so forth. And I think I could have the best of both worlds when it comes to that.

Something always brings me back to Davis County. Family, husbands, mortgages. It's not a bad place to be, don't get me wrong, it's just I feel like a fish out of water. Something inside me lately has me craving that stability. I want to mow my lawn, set up my kiddie pool, have neighbors I probably won't speak to. They probably won't be as colorful as the ones I have now, I live by Patrick Bateman for God's sake, but maybe not? Maybe it'll be a Wisteria Lane kind of thing, and I'm cool with that.

I have been neglecting my city as of late. A few weekends ago, I took a few days off of work and literally did not leave my apartment for four days. I was trying to master an Australian accent so kind of started watching but not watching Lost and several Natalie Imbruglia Youtube videos and I will say this, I started to feel like I was on that island. No social interaction besides neighbors coming and going if I happened to be outside. I thought maybe they were The Others. I was skeptical and started seeing things I'm pretty sure weren't real and noticed I probably should speak to a live human or take a walk. I didn't, I stayed in, but I learned that maybe hermiting for four days straight is a bad idea. It makes your mind do crazy things.

A few things: after my divorce I was fine. Too fine. People actually commented that I was surprisingly okay after going through something like that. I chalked it up to the fact that it was a mutualish decision and both parties knew it was for the best so yes, I can mourn the loss of someone I did love and that loved me, but we needed to move on and did. I actually thought I was being rather adult about it, one of the few times. I kept myself busy, surrounded myself with people all the time, traveled, concerts, late nights, all the things. It kept me going and fed me. One person I had been particularly close to during my pre-marriage days said to me, "You're like your old self again" and she was right, I was up-beat and spunky and all that. But in truth it wasn't me anymore. I was going through the motions and not wanting to face any of those real, gross feelings.

Then something happened. The actual event is irrelevant, but it put a new perspective on how to deal with feelings. Thing is, I suck at dealing with real life shit. It all comes out in my eyeballs, in rambles, in snot, in mean words and in stomach cramps. I've had some ugly moments since about almost exactly this time last year. I started to see things differently and my trust was really tested. It still is, so to speak and that's why I'm here writing. I need an outlet that's safe, and I realize the open internet is not safe but whatever. It's where I can get things out in a poetic way as I've said before.

Trust is a funny thing, and it's something that's very hard for me. Tear out the front page, right? Who doesn't have trust issues these days? Well, I do, and they're huge. And the kicker is, it's not really because of any one event. I didn't have an awful, tragic break up, even divorce, that led me not to trust. I can't say enough good about anyone I've ever dated, we just didn't work out and that's that. I don't think any of us are bitter or mad, we just changed and moved on and some of us have what we want now and some of us don't, and I think I'm just pissed off I'm still waiting. That's what it comes down to, I'm still waiting, and I don't want to be waiting anymore.

I just don't trust what people say. Lying is so much easier than telling the truth. I lie, not to everyone, but I lie. So do you. We do, it's a thing we do. Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off...and I'm quoting Closer, not Panic at the Disco, for the record. So in turn, I assume I'm being lied to about everything, especially the impossible (refer to last post). Why is it so hard to believe what is being said?

That brings me back to the Davis County. For the most part, until I got out of there a few times and experienced being on my own in a big city, I didn't have trust issues. Now I question more, and that's good and bad. So why do I feel like I'll be back in the DC at some point? Because I will, that's where my trust is.

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