the super not vanilla

5:10 PM

"I pride myself on being very far from vanilla."

This or something similar to this was posted as a status update back in April after a weirdly awkward encounter with someone at a concert where everything I thought might feel right all of a sudden didn't. It was that moment of self-discovery in which I felt that I'm really not a normal girl. I'm not going to waste anyone's time saying how different and eclectic, and unique I am. I'm not Zooey Deschanel and I'll be upset if you compare my glasses to her ever. I'm really not any of those things: unique, eclectic, different. I'm just Jordan, and Jordan is not vanilla.

There are the simple girls and the Katie girls. We've all seen The Way We Were or at the very least, Sex and the City at this point. There is a difference. Most marry the simple girls and date/have sex with the Katie girls. Simple is safe, I get that. I don't want to be safe anymore.

I've spent a good portion of my twenties trying to get some boy or another to like me. I would think "oh well how would they like me in this outfit?" "Oh, this is way too weird for them, I'll go with a cardigan." Don't get me wrong, I love me some cardigans but good hell, maybe I want to pair it with floral pants and not get an earful that I look like I'm in pajamas.

In that moment, my vanilla epiphany, I was like oh fuck this. I super do not want to be the boring girl in capri's and a white tank top with a ponytail and sandals. I've never been her. There is nothing wrong with her in any way, but it would be a lie. Just like it would be a lie for the vanilla to try and be something she is not. Experimentation is one thing. Please don't get me wrong. Try something new and branch out, but my point is, be yourself.

The epiphany happened for a reason. I figured out who I was and that I didn't need the approval of someone that wanted vanilla and it was okay. It may have been the first time that I was okay not having the love of this person, even though I'm fairly certain I still have it. That isn't conceited, it's not a "fact" it's a feeling of whatever. After that I made it a point to try really hard to not give a fuck because let's be honest, I give a lot of fucks when it comes to what people think about me. I'll say it, my self-esteem is sub-par, I worry I'm never going to be good enough or truly loved or all of the above. In the last few/several months I strangely have realized that I will be. Let's just say some of it is proven an some of it is a feeling, but it is what it is.

Rayce said to me once, "If a boy saw you, so and so, and so and so sitting at the bar, sure, they're cute and you can take them home and have a good night I'm sure. But you're the one the boy would want to talk to. He'd want your opinion and find you interesting. Not to say that you aren't beautiful (thanks, dad), but you have more substance than bleached hair, orange skin and fake tits." Again, thanks, dad.

At that time I was feeling particularly insecure. I have a frenemy we shall say, that enjoys saying things in regards to myself and my appearance and recent confidence. Sure, I have all that on the outside but inside I still worry about how I come off. I'm not the greatest of people and I make mistakes, I do things that are less than classy, but my heart is good. When you hear that someone comments about you outwardly to either make themselves feel better or just to maybe sway someone to think those things about you, too, it still hurts and gets to you. I whine and whine and sometimes wine about it over and over, but really, what is that going to do? Regardless of why it was said, and I do know why, it's still not acceptable. In truth, letting her words influence how I carry myself is straight up bullshit. So instead, I'll get more tattoos and continue to wear the clothes I'm comfortable in and be friends with the folks I'm friends with and it's nobody's business but there is a chance that if given the opportunity maybe I will say something bitchy and confident.

This mostly makes no sense but for me, today, it's essential.

The point of this, is so that if someone happens to read my rambles they might know that they're worth more than a couple of shitty words and comments. Wear what you want, be who you are. Pride yourself on being you, whether you're vanilla or chocolate or superman or some gross ice cream flavor like butter pecan. Even if you are butter pecan, you're probably still a badass. I think if you stay true to yourself and are who you are, even if it seems like vanilla, it's probably somewhere like a vanilla bean or french vanilla. If that makes sense.





You Might Also Like

0 speaks

sup fool.

instagram