the meltdown

11:32 PM

Today I fucking lost it.

I have bad days. I have really incredible days, too, but I have bad days. A lot. This week was almost like a constant bad day. I cried a lot, I swore a lot (more than usual), I didn't drink a lot because I can't when I'm really sad, and I whined to absolutely anyone that would listen. It all came together this afternoon after some things that were more than likely just made up in my head but that for the life of me I just could not get rid of. And I lost it.

I don't really have panic attacks. I have anxiety. It's kind of always been there but it has surfaced a lot more recently and I could tell you why but that would be pretty boring. I have a lot of fears that are stupid (losing my parking space or Maybelline discontinuing my eyeliner (I'm not kidding)) and a lot that are apparently valid. I've had kind words from friends and such that I trust A LOT and I realize I'm just letting things I cannot control get the better of me but my worry is continuous over one thing or another. I need to figure out a way to get past it but so far I'm coming up at a loss.

I strategized a bit today. I came up with a "gameplan" if you will on how to handle things. I need to be shown that things aren't what I think they are, if that makes sense. I also need to learn to not put myself in a position where I could potentially take something the wrong way. I almost wonder if I do it on purpose? Why would I do that if it means I could potentially lose something I want or cause an issue with someone that I care about. I have no idea but I have the hardest time right now trusting that anyone or anything is genuine. I always think something is happening behind my back. It scares me to want what I can't have or to worry about the fact that things could fall apart at any moment.

Someone I dislike more than anyone in the entire world gave me advice today. And it was actually really good advice, despite the circumstances.

"Think of all that you have. Think of your family, your friends, your dog, the fact that you have an amazing job and people that love you. Think of the fact that you're healthy and happy and you've come such a long way recently. Think of that when you're feeling shitty."

She is right. I have a lot of amazing things and people and situations in my life...but there is...something. Something is missing, something that I need and crave and want. You can take that how you want. A boy? A really great dress? A better cd collection, wait who am I kidding, my music collection kicks ass. You could rack your brain forever and I bet you would never in a million years guess what I need, because I'm not sure I know. So maybe, if you figure that out, could you just tell me so that I can fix this and let it all be okay?

Who am I kidding? I know what I need, I'm just being fucking vague.

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1 speaks

  1. I'm sorry about your bad day and your meltdown. I hate those, especially combined (although I don't think you'd have a meltdown in general unless you're already having a bad day). I hate anxiety. I have crazy anxiety and then sometimes panic attacks. One time I legitimately thought I was having a heart attack. Go to a yoga class! Or go on a nice hike! or pet Aadi. Or paint your nails or take a long bath or all of that :)


sup fool.