the guy you're with has up and split, the chair next to you's free

11:22 AM

I'm in a position now where being frustrated is becoming second nature. I can't even plan things the way I want to or completely bank on something anymore. There is a lot of waiting.

Let me preface with this isn't a complaint. I'm aware and I'm content, it's just a new perspective on things is all.

There are days where I think I'm completely ruined. I have a feeling I'll never be truly satisfied. I'm always craving the unattainable. That's nothing knew. I typically am attracted to things and people and situations just out of my reach. Maybe that's the appeal? Maybe I really just one day want to bag something I thought, "Well I'll never have this but I'm going to try anyway." I'm used to accepting failure and sometimes it takes longer than expected to surface and sometimes I fail before I start. But in truth it really could be what makes the out of reach so attractive to me. I don't want to be satisfied. Because once I am, then what?

There is a downside to all of this. I have no idea what being completely satisfied feels like. That's okay, that's just what it is. I worry maybe I am missing out on that feeling? How will I know if that's actually what will feel good to me?

Every so often I repeat the same cycle. Emotionally. I accept things, and things get easy and distractions get in the way and then I start over. Week after week, month after month. It's the same routine. I'm used to it now and I'm content that this is probably how it is going to be for the next little bit, but is that going to get old? Am I going to wake up one day thinking, "this time I'm not going to start over, I'm just going to keep going?" I am almost scared to think that is a possibility. But also, what if it's out of my control and my situation makes the decision for me? Then I guess I'll really have no choice.

Trust is funny. I want to trust what people tell me. I want to trust that everything works out and things will be okay and life gets easier and we get to have the life that we want, but there are days when it's really problematic for me because I don't see it. I see the opposite. See, not feel. I feel that everything really will be okay and things work out and life gets easier, but I don't see it. What I see is that I'm happy but it's different and that is also really scary.

I really don't care if this sounds pretentious but I have a lot to offer. I'm a relatively decent person, I have some flaws, but I'm good. I care about people, I am entirely too sensitive (flaw), I'm insecure in some ways and far too secure in others. But I feel a lot. I really do get involved and feel more than I should in basically every relationship I invest my time in. And in turn I can't say that there are times where I should have been more invested and wasn't. Shit changes.

I think I am really just craving a change.

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