fight or flight

9:27 PM

Today I was heading north on the longest drive of my life. Granted it was only about thirty minutes but it felt as if I'd driven to and from California a multitude of times in that half hour period. My mind raced opposite the lingering road in a fast capacity I've only experienced a handful of times, all thoughts divorced of any order and scrambled and spilling out of my mouth to no one in particular. No one can hear me cry. No one can hear me chastise and congratulate myself. Be thankful, be grateful, be happy. Why don't you shut the fuck up?

Some say the truth will set you free while others say the truth hurts. I think both are true and both are false. It depends on your situation and who or what you're involved with or in. No one has a set agenda when it comes to honesty so if that's what you've come to expect you've been told wrong and I hate to break it to you, but I'm all about breaking spirits today.

Sometimes I want to give up, I want to give in, I want to quit the fight...but then I see you baby and everything's alright.

Maybe I've made a mistake. Maybe I've jumped the gun? I feel like I have good instincts and my gut is usually right but is there a first time for everything? I don't want there to be. I want to have good judgement and love and feel but not to the point of becoming obnoxious. Walls happen, right? With every hardship I go though another wall goes up. Four walls is something in the past, I have about nineteen. Breakdown, heartbreak, hip break, coffee break, cigarette break, you name it. Break. Walls break. They fall when you know you've found something worthwhile. Something that forces your soul to grow.

"I think a soul mate is someone that makes your soul grow the most...and not all growing is good."
"I like the word soul, I like the word mate, other than that, you got me."
"If it's not complicated, they probably aren't a soul mate."

There you have it.

I've been through a lot this last year. More than I care to revisit. I've discovered a lot about myself and about other people. I've become more trusting and it scares me to the point where I want to lie about everything to please people. I want to say yes and I want to smile and be the girl everyone thinks that they know. Not to be dramatic (please, when have I ever NOT been dramatic) but most of the days I will put on my best face and no one will ever know what my heart looks like. I guess you could say that about anyone. They put on this show and everyone thinks that life is grand and easy and breezy when inside they're lungs are filled up so full that breathing takes every last effort and that effort cannot be wasted on complimenting your latest achievement.

So God, if you can hear me? Crash this train.

And then, you get that compliment. You fall in love, you make a new friend, you decide that you want to take that next step or at the very least stop living in the shell you've grown accustomed to. You drain those lungs and you really start breathing again and it feels incredible until you realize that bubble you've built up of happiness may just shatter. And maybe you're the cause.

Stop being so damn negative.

Back to the basics. So trust that gut. Believe in that magic and wish on that star. What is the worst that could happen? Sure, you could end up losing everything. Getting your heart broken. Falling on your face in front of everyone. Just go ahead and take that leap. If something happens and you end up empty handed at least you can say you tried your ass off.

I'm feeling much better, thank you.

*drops mic, jordan out*

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