ellipsis or ellipses if we're speaking plurally

4:33 PM

A few words I've been forced to redefine or at least think about a lot lately:

Honesty.
Need.
Can't.
Security.
Trust.
Believinginmyself.

So that last one may be three words but I think this is my space and I can do what I want.

I've learned a lot lately. I've been frustrated a lot lately and today I was extremely fucking mad. Maybe I can blame the Dexter I watched last night for these feelings of rage, but then again I didn't act on them so maybe I should reconsider that last sentence.

Dot. Dot. Dot.

I have so many feelings as of late that I can't even begin to list them. I really feel like in the last couple of months I've become a new person (again). I used to be emotional over everything. Commercials made me cry, if you looked at me wrong I'd take it personally, I didn't trust any of the nice things people said about me. Then after the events of the February I have a hard time speaking about I switched. I stopped having feelings.

Wait, that's not right.

Over the last couple of years I slowly stopped having some feelings. I still did all of the aforementioned tearing up at stupid things but I also learned that I didn't need to let anyone in to what I was really feeling. No one deserved that. That was mine and I was going to feel or not feel as much as I wanted without answering to anyone or explaining myself. That's how I did things and in the month of February in which I have a hard time speaking about, like I said, I switched. I turned off everything.

I didn't want to let anyone console me, I didn't want to hear anyone's opinions, I didn't want anyone to be my friend that wasn't already a part of my life. Some people noticed and some people didn't, but I really shut down and it was needed.

I had plans and they were done. I may have been relieved in a lot of ways but my world was messed with and I found myself wishing I could start completely fresh, with no one and just become someone entirely different. Maybe someone that could be loved, could be trusted and could be worth something. I'd lost all of that, and a lot sooner than I realized at the time.

Change is good and I still say that about the February. Doesn't mean I can't admit to feeling about the size of a toothpick and not in the waif model way, in the actual, legit, toothpick size way. I felt insignificant.

And then I said fuck that.

I decided I didn't need to be a toothpick, I needed to be Jordan. So I became her again, but without the emotion chip. I didn't care what anyone said, I never cried, I never talked bad, I never dreamed of letting anyone in. That's way too big of a risk, especially knowing that with one small glance in my direction I could probably fall completely apart and I wouldn't know if I could pick myself up. And I've learned not to rely on others picking me up because that just doesn't happen like you think it will. I froze and intended to stay frozen.

I don't want to be frozen anymore.

So is there a happy medium? Can I let myself be touched by someone and not worry that it will all go down in some fire? I think I can. I think I have that ability and I think I want that ability. Can I let myself not be bothered by all of the circumstances that I can't control? I'm sure I can, even if some of them I loathe more than anything. I can let it go, I can just breathe and trust in the fact that things will work out however it is they're supposed to and I can trust that people can embrace me, I'm not crazy, they'll love me for who I am and not let obstacles that exist become anything more than the toothpicks that they actually are.

It's them, it's not me.

It's a very nice feeling knowing that even though there may be obstacles beyond your control that seem to be working against you in every sense of the word, there are people and situations out there, that you don't have to explain because they are just that perfect and no one needs to know that but you. I'm lucky, in a lot of ways. I really have made it out of everything feeling a lot more confident and a lot less full of rage.

Well, not entirely rageless. That part comes and goes.

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