why stay put when you can fly?

12:03 AM

Today was a good day.

Tomorrow will also be a good day.

This is apparently a pattern. I'm going to run with it but there are still moments where I feel like I'm stuck somewhere between my past life and my future life. I believe it's called "limbo". I'm not a large fan of being there, but I understand it's necessary with all that I'm having to deal with. I really am looking forward to the future and having my own place and making dinner and drinking wine to jazz music and all the other pretentious things I can do with no one to tell me it's lame or boring or pretentious. It just, is. It's me, it's who I've always been.

I have these dreams to spend the entire day writing, wrapped in a blanket, tea or coffee next to me while Aadi snuggles in my lap. I really hope I have a window like I did at my first solo apartment. It was encouraging to just wake up, go to my desk and immediately see the sun coming up all of the buildings in the city. I'm sure I won't be able to find something that perfect again, but I can sure try to make it close. I really want some curtains because as of late I feel like they can tie the entire room together (kind of like a rug). I need a bed frame but for a little while I'll be okay with a mattress on the floor. That's what cool people do, right? Decorating isn't a top priority, I realize that, but it gives me a little something to look forward to. I have always enjoyed trinkets and filling my home with them and the stories they have behind them.

I do love to cook, that's something I've learned over the last few years, and where I'm not amazing at it by any means, it's fantastic to make a good meal. I've lost a lot of weight. It makes me sound like I was large and I was but not, just heavier than I wanted to be at that time. I dropped quite a bit and I'm finally at a place where I don't have to wear as many clothes at home anymore and not worry someone will see me. I have a no pants rule? I hate wearing pants, but if I must I usually run around in a bra. Something has to be off, so I can be free. I will cook and I will try and eat better and enjoy the food I put into my body. As granola as this sounds, keep in mind that right now I'd murder something if you would bring me pizza or a burger and fries.

Re-discovering music has been my absolute favorite. I've had a lot of people share with me and I've learned quite a bit. I've sought out some gems on my own and have started making playlists again and suggesting tunes to others and it makes me feel good when I nail every single one (or at least come close). I forgot how much this process feeds me. I forgot what it feels like finding a song that just rocks your soul and I've had a lot of those lately.

I keep this space for a lot of reasons. I like to share music, photos and words. I like to write something vague and strong for the most part but then there are times to reflect, sort of like right now. I want to remember the place I'm in right now. I want to remember how shitty I felt, and then again how great I felt shortly after. I still get sad, I get scared and at times I feel so fucking alone that I can't even breathe. I've sat up in my room wondering what the hell I'm going to do next? Am I going to be cynical forever and end up having birds in my loft or something and never falling in love again?

Oh, please.

I'm too much of a hopeless romantic for that to happen. Trust me, I wish that weren't the case, I'd rather be cynical intent on not sharing with anyone ever again, but why? I may miss out on something. I feel like it's possible for me to have a great time and share that with someone, it's just going to take a while for me to truly believe that's a possibility. But also, I'm not ruling anything out. I'm open to a lot of possibilities.

I'm just waiting for you to surprise me with a ticket to Italy, a lot of wine and pasta, and the future. I'm packed and ready when you are.

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