I have so much potential. Potential to be a lot of things, but as time passes more and more I realize there is still a lot that I don't understand. I don't think I'm meant to. I'm meant to go through the learning process.

I need to cry, I need to think, I need to feel.

I need to take my trip and go and be free for a few weeks and experience things that are different. It's so hard to stay inside this shell of a life, and honestly its very inviting, but I know there is more out there. I know I need to be more of a player in the world than I am. I tend to stay in my circle, on the shy side, and watch. I watch, sometimes I mimic and other times I engage in conversation that's polite, but I don't really put myself out there.

I am afraid.

The thing is, I know who I am, to a point. I feel like I've mostly become the person that I am supposed to and that's fantastic. What I'm missing is that lust I used to have for learning and for life. I used to want to know everyone, see every place, try new things. I still want that, but not with the same zeal I once had. That is what I want back.

Divorce will do that to you, I guess.

I know it'll resurface, probably at the most inopportune time when I'm in the middle of my third Netflix series binge watch and I just want to be happy on my couch with some hot tamales because those are the best. I need to understand that yes, I can still do those things and be lazy and enjoy my homebody-ness but still crave the outside and all of the unknown that comes with it. I just have to not be as impatient or feel as overwhelmed. I have no idea where that came from.

Yes I do.

But this is not about that.

It's about me and the fact that I have a lot to still learn but also I have learned a lot, I have some experiences that others will never have. I know what I want now, just not how to go about it.

So I guess I am still learning.